I think I need to preface this post because it could be controversial and offensive. This is in no way meant towards any certain couple that I know personally, but it is just me thinking out loud and raising some questions or concerns. I do not have an opinion one way or the other, especially because everyone is different and has different relationships with their significant others. However, warning- I am skeptical these days and somewhat pessimistic.
As a little girl, I dreamed of being married at the age of 25 and having kids soon after so I could enjoy them and be a young, hip mom. I never envisioned who my husband would be or what he would look like, but I always had the most idealistic fantasy of what he would be like (personality, build, etc.) and how he would treat me. I was taught by my grandma, mom, and Hollywood that he should worship the ground I walk on and just be so totally in love with me that he'd do anything for me. I have to admit this idealistic image has not changed much, despite the fact that now I am not so sure it will come true.
As a product of divorce and a witness to many couples getting divorced so late in life, I am sort of scarred and shocked by what I have seen and continue to see. Couples I think are so happy with grown children are not as they appear. It is not that I think I will never find lasting love, or that people cannot, but it is that I worry we think someone is that person and then they do not turn out to be. With this comes heartache and a lot of pain. Sometimes this happens after a year of dating, a year of marriage, or twenty years of marriage. The scary part is, there's no way of knowing. We do not know the future or what it holds. This uncertainty makes me very cautious, scared, and doubtful.
This brings me to the main point of this posting, which is marriage. To me, marriage is sacred and should last a lifetime. It should be with someone who really completes you that you cannot live without (as cheesy as this sounds). It is not only someone who completes you, but someone who makes you happy and helps bring fulfillment to your life. It should be someone who supports everything you do and challenges/inspires you to be even better. In my mind, this description is so perfect that it almost seems impossible to find someone who fits, which brings me to my question.
How can people get married in this day and age at such a young age, for example at 24 or 25? Do these people know themselves and their dreams/desires before they can take on and support someone else's? Do these people really think that their future spouse fits the above description? Do they not care if they do not fit this description? If someone has only dated one or two people seriously do they really think that out of ALL the millions of people in the world, the three he/she tried out was enough of a trial to find the perfect match?
Not saying these people do not think the person is perfect, but am I out of my mind to want the perfect (or close enough to it) match? I do believe that there is more than one person out there for everyone, but still. Do you think that people who get married do it because it's just the next natural step? I really think that many failed relationships stem from this very reason and it saddens me. Many couples are together and may love each other, but not in the way described above. Many stay together because it is comfortable and easy and then think the next step is marriage. I really have a hard time with this and maybe it is just because I am super picky and indecisive that the thought of finding that one person who I believe is right for me seems near impossible. Though, I think people need to reflect before marriage and really know 300% that this is the person for them, for life.
This is not to say that people who are ready to get married at this age should not. If people have been lucky enough to find that person who fulfills them and without whom they cannot live, even better. Truthfully, I am quite envious. In addition, if you think you are madly in love and only have had one or two relationships prior, it definitely does not matter if you already have found your match. I do not mean to say that you cannot find that person after only having one other boyfriend. I just think that for me, someone who is picky and hard to please, it will take a while to find someone who I think is perfect for me.
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As someone who is getting married at a young age, I agree, it can be really scary to make such a serious commitment that will last a lifetime. But, it makes sense for us. After four plus years of dating, it is the logical next step. And not the type of step we feel like we're supposed to take, but the step we want to take, the step we are prepared to take. Both of us come from families where our parents have been married for many decades (mine just celebrated their 41st anniversary!) and I don't think their relationship was perfect the whole time, but they worked through the tough times. Absolutely, the future is uncertain, but I feel like if we have a strong enough bond with shared values and commitments, we will work through major decisions and life changes as they occur. I trust in this vision, or else I wouldn’t be making the commitment to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé.
ReplyDeleteAs for the perfect guy, I don’t know if he is out there, but my fiancé is perfect for me, or at least, pretty darn close. He challenges me to think and act critically, he makes me laugh, and he loves me completely.
We just finished putting together our ketubah text, and the last line reads: Through each other’s eyes, we see the world anew: may we be better together. When I showed it to my parents, they balked. “Better than what??” they asked. And my response: better than we are as individuals because together, we make a pretty complete package.